Today scientists released the results of a study in which they found that a thing that people used to do and/or eat, and which they were originally assured was healthy, then were later told was unhealthy, only to be encouraged to consume it again, does actually cause cancer, after all.
Originally, the thing in question was assumed by the medical community to be safe and definitely not cancer-causing, due to the fact that it was so abundant and also very fun to eat and/or do.
"Daily consumption of somewhat unhealthy things used to be less of a concern, because lifespans were shorter," Mr. Scientist, Ph.D, said. "But now that we are living longer we've come to realize that consuming this particular thing on a regular basis, even if it is really, really fun and convenient, is actually sort of bad. Like, cancer bad."
Initially, a government agency was created to monitor the manufacturing and use of the product in question. Unfortunately, this agency has done nothing to offset the health risks to the consumer and has cost the American people approximately ten kajillion dollars a year for the past five decades.
"The purpose of the government agency was to educate the public and regulate manufacturing practices. And also we wanted to take a hefty cut of the profits—for the government," Ms. Government Spokesperson Lady said. "Because of studies, we now know that this agency serves no actual purpose. We intend to keep it going, though, because we still need to find something to stick all of these leftover warning labels on. Also, I have a lake house."
The study was conducted using lab mice. The test group was exposed to numerous depressing science articles about cancer studies each day, while the control group was shielded from the news in general. The latter group thrived and lived longer, healthier lives, while the test group tended toward heavy drinking combined with frequent online political debate with deranged family members.
"What we are seeing from the results of this study is that, in general, mice don't have much respect for the scientific process," Dr. Research Scientist said. "The scientific community needs to come together and find a new thing to do experiments on, because the mice are totally on to us and it's skewing our findings. Also, Mr. Whiskers chewed through my MacBook charger last night. These things cost, like, sixty bucks to replace." Dr. Research Scientist was unavailable for further comment, but was recently spotted outside the Apple Store trying to bum a cigarette from a Genius Bar genius.
“We feel pretty bad about accidentally giving everyone the wrong advice for the past ten years. All this time, you've been following our recommendations, when, really, you should have been doing the exact opposite,” a spokesperson for the Doctor General’s office said. "But, at the end of the day, you just have to live your life. Go to work, go home, go to sleep, wake up, and do it all over again, until you die. Maybe from cancer."
